Fat Jokes and Humour
You know you need to do something about your weight
when you board an airplane and the flight attendant designates your
pot belly as carry-on luggage.
I knew I had a problem when I started
having to wear control-top turtlenecks.
You know it's time to skip a round when you're
holding your bowling ball, and you look down and you can't see it!
If God had wanted us to run, instead of a belly
button, He'd have given us a fast-forward button.
I'm no couch potato. I'm a recliner potato.
My diet's working. I stepped on my talking bathroom
scales last night and for the first time ever they didn't scream
that I was too fat. They did mention in passing that my feet smelled.
I'm not fat. It's just that my body naturally retains
I have no idea how much I weigh because I can't
weigh naked. Without my glasses I can't see the scale.
I've really put on weight. I've gone from pinch-an-inch
I'm already two years ahead on my daily fat allowance.
I'm looking for skinny people to see if I can borrow theirs.
A Blonde's Diet
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor
put her on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,
then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next
time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor
by losing nearly 20 pounds.
Why, that's amazing! the doctor said, Did you follow my instructions?
The blonde nodded, I'll tell you though,
I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
From hunger, you mean? asked the doctor.
No, from skipping.
An overweight business associate of mine decided
it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously,
even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery. One
morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake.
We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
This is a very special coffeecake, he explained. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning
and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no
accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those
delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in
front of the bakery', and sure enough, he continued, the
eighth time around the block, there it was!